Where is the salt in my smoothie?

2005-08-03T22:43:00.000+08:00

Havent been posting for a long time, the problem is, i am a meticulous person when it is not too tedious to be. Contradictory? I dont post sometimes just because i havent been posting for a long time, and i dont like having to explain myself before i write on the proper agenda, which i would have long forgotten after i give all the background information. Going back to the start would seem so much more organised than jumping in half way. Anyway,

Passing out in two days, my thoughts cannot and refuse to be squeezed into the allowed time for the whole ceremony. Pop/rod represents a lot of things. It represents the closure of my np life, whether sweet, sour, spicy of salty, all of four years. It represents me closing this part of my life, it will become something that WAS, something i will remember fondly, but always REMEMBER. It will be the last time i will be a cadet of the National Police Cadet Corp, the last time i sit together with squadmates, the last time i am part of a collective group that answers together, runs together, gets punished together. It represents new opportunities, it represents looking upon regrets, it represents the last time i am NCO to the sec threes. It is the last time i will echo Mdm, or hear Mdm.

NPCC has been a very big part of my life, my life revolves around it, whether it means polishing boots while watching tv, unknowingly marching while i walk around in the neighbourhood, feeling a silly and illogical sense of pride when i see policemen, or standing, in lines of three, trembling, waiting for the death sentence to be given. It is all these and more. NPCC brought friends into my life, it gave me insight on how life works, and allowed me to see friendship, care and concern.

It would be unfair to denounce the happy times i went through in the first three years, just because the past year has been a trying one. I treasure memories of me and kamielah running to the tech block and barging into the soapy haven of guides toilet to disgust them with our pure muddiness, and our total disregard at their astonishment. I treasure the memory of all of us walking from the dock at Pulau Ubin to the Npcc campsite, hollering tune after tune, each one getting more tuneless. Even more, i treasure campcraft com days when we lay under the green tent singing, looking ridiculous, but all the same enjoying ourselves. I enjoy thinking about our campfire preparations...how we stayed back day after day to touch up. I reminise about camp days, when we were totally exhausted, but revitalised by promises of eternal friendship and and our loyalty to the unit, and enthusiasm to becoming NCOs.

All that fizzles out when you are bombarded my new teachers, situations you find difficult to cope with, and most of all, sec four school work. I made many mistakes, that until now cannot be properly classified as a mistake, depending on the view, am i a student first, a cadet first, an NCO first or a daughter first? Well, through knocks and turns, i have ended up here, passing out in two days. I am not entirely sure if i look back with no regrets, forget about the rubbish about no regrets. Truly, if i one never has regrets, how do you learn? Through NPCC, i got to know myself more intimately, i understood things better, definitely. Whether it is too late? I shadnt think, because time is not reversible, and only brooding nights lie in wait if i wonder about that.

Well, everything is done, set, sent to be baked. We all entertain the thought of going right back to the start. Well i do, i entertain it, but never will i actually want to do that, if i must say so, it is tiring, and i am not sure i have the strength to correct all the mistakes.

Because this is np, because this is a blog, because, there might even be a slightest possibility it will affect anything, i cannot reveal what i truly think, even if i much preferr to lay the cards on the table. But more and more, i realise that my decision is wise. i will not be the lamb suffering from concussion.

2005-07-10T03:38:00.000+08:00

im glad xiuyi told me everything she was feeling. yes...thank goodness...wouldnt have been good for either of us if she kept it held up inside..i hope she feels better day by day.

yes, this is the realistic world. even if you try really hard and you put in so much heart and effort, you might never get any returns. this is tried and tested, but surely the human spirit and faith must be credited for trying again and again to change this rule parents never teach their children.

People will again and again, knock like cows onto the wall, they carry on until they bleed and realise that the wall is stronger. But, they are not stupid, because other than that what can we do. All we can do is but try.
And, we can make sure that what we do, is for ourselves, not for something to show to world, something that we can show ourselves and say, there, i did that, and im proud to say i did that. I did whatever i shoud do.
I'm sure xiuyi did whatever she did because this is who she is, yes, i have absolute faith in that. So, i hope she doesnt regret anything, because i don't regret making this friend at all.

So much for trying and human faith, but I am for one who lives in the realistic world. As much as i try to keep by the right way, i ultimately am blessed(or perhaps not) with some blinker in my brain that alerts me to actions that will ultimately affect me. i applaud all citizens of try-or-die faith, but i do not belong to that group..maybe im too greedy. Maybe next time this will be my downfall, i dont have the type of courage to do what you have to do, yes, mostly i say,"go with the flow~" [again, i am fantasizing and being obsesed with all tomorrows that will sooner be todays. as zhiwen says.'My friend, its very simple, just try your best and see where you land] You know benjamin the donkey in Animal Farm, i think im like him, minus that he is old, grey and on all fours. :P

So, do you live in the real world and get pierced by conscience occasionally or do you live in your bubble world hoping you wont get pierced by the the dirty and grimy fingernails of reality?
but when you do, you wont go up again.

2005-07-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Irritating things that happen in life.
1. When you wear your glasses around to look for them

2. When you spend the last minute typing out a three-msg-long msg on that small mobile with miniscule keys, then happen to press that one and only big button on the keypad to delete everything in the last second.

3. When you spend $2.95 on a pen, five minutes choosing it, then bringing it on a lovely 20-minute bus ride home to find out that somethings not quite right- it doesnt WRITE.

4. When you make an effort to wake up early at 8 am, then end up being so sleepy from waking up early you end up sleeping agian at 10 am. Then, you waste even more time because you would have to re-brush your teeth and re-wash your face after waking up the second time

5. When you set your mobile for a 9 am alarm, and it doesnt ring not because the battery's flat, but because it chose to remain silent. (well, technically i chose the silent mode hours earlier, but hey, the phone should have reminded me!. Right. its silent)

6. When you have to send three messages before you get tomorrow's timetable

Irritating things in life-aplenty. i still remember how on the first day of school in primary four, i called a guy irritating idiot just because he talked to me and carried a mickey mouse school bag. yeap, thats the age when you just cant accept cute. Anyway, i was saying, i was the irritating one actually, not him.

similarly as irritating, how i have to go to school tomorrow. goodnight!
oh yeah. im much much much better now, thank you for cares!

2005-07-02T20:07:00.000+08:00

i was extremely irritated at all those people who made fun of xuantong on stage. Although, i have to admit some of his actions were really unexpected and weird, isnt laughing and passing enough? Call me a martyr, a puritant, stuffy, what have you, i simply cant find any fun in makin fun of someone who doesnt realise he is being made fun of. Even if he isn't the nicest person in the world, or the most clued in on the common frequency, there wasnt any need, it doesnt warrant such bitchiness. all those people who found it so abso-fucking-lutely hilarious to make fun of him, or felt smart because they managed to make a snide remark, YAY! im am so amazed at your intellectual abilities! Quite sad for you that you derive happiness from such mindless quips~

2005-07-02T19:57:00.000+08:00

my body is complaining, i lie on bed, and i can feel the joints hitting against each other clumsily as i try to find a comfortable position. i hear blood being pumped in jolts, t h u d t h u d t h u d. There seems to be a knife edge at my throat and it cuts my flesh everytime i try to speak or swallow saliva. The rhythm of life in my body is soothing and comforting.

Think- when death comes mid-term, before we're frail, wrinkly and forgetful, do you think it means your life became an entire world of possibilites and an open-ended answer when God asks, "what happened?" Or do you think it means a stop forever, as crisp as a cut cucumber?

2005-06-27T20:51:00.000+08:00

Today, yenzi, shijia, xiuyi and i went to visit syikeen in the hospital. Her ward had four beds, other than her, the other three patients were all old ladies. The hospital looked comforting and safe, had warm lighting and a comfortable air-conditioned temperature.

when we arrived, syikeen was on an IV drip of 0.9%sodium chloride, and she was very consientiously doing her homework. ;) Immediately when we entered the ward, we lowered out speaking tones, i suppose unconsciously so that we wouldnt disturb the other patients who were resting. The old lady opposite syikeen, she looked pretty concious and was just staring away either at the television or ceiling. The lady beside, she was just lying on her back looking around somewhat furtively. Last, the lady diagonally across was unconcious and hooked on to several drips. Then, i noticed that all patients except the unconcious lady had their names and conditions printed and attached to some kinda identification plaque, but i soon forgot about the difference.

So, i was about to say syikeen looked pretty dead, but in current conditions, it wouldnt be very appropriate to use that slang. Syikeen just looked really quiet, subdued and blah. So, we talked to her, occasionally laughing, i was trying to make her smile and laugh, cus she looked so sad, kinda. Actually, i didnt notice it, but i suppose we did make some noise, thought most of the time we really tried to keep it down. Then, the phone rang, and i immediately picked it up, without considering whether i should pick it up or not. Syikeen immediately said it wasnt for her, so i was shocked, and put it down. Then yenzi said, " if you put it down, how will the lady opposite listen?"
Realizing that this was true, i dont know why i burst out laughing instead of feeling bad and sorry, or as if i did something wrong. So, the thing was i broke out laughing, keeling over the side on syikeens bed. Unknown to us, a man was watching us all the while. He was so un-intrusive, thats why we didnt notice him at all. He just sat at the side staring blankly as if waiting his time out. Then, when he heard me laughing, he looked at us and said,

"I don't think it is very appropriate that you girls are here laughing when there are relatives here who are upset over the old lady there who is terminally ill. I think that it is very inconsiderate. Im not scolding you or what..."

The rest wasnt really going in, the first thing that registered was that 1.we shouldnt be laughing, 2.the old lady was terminally ill. After that, the silence was intolerable, i felt really hot and bothered, i felt really guilty for laughing and seeming so happy when someone was going to die. i felt guilty that i was young and healthy, while she was old and sick. then, i begun to see how depressing the hospital was.

On the way home, i kept thinking whether i should be feeling guilty, thinking about what if my parents were terminally ill. I would have been very upset at those inconsiderate bunch of girls who were laughing, and having fun, while i was grieving and crying.
But all i did was to try to make syikeen smile. i feel so guilty. If i grow old and become terminally ill, it would be karma.

2005-06-26T11:53:00.000+08:00

Uncle just came.
Actually, not really blood-ties-uncle uncle. He looks after mom's godmother, and is the adopted son of a family relation, not too sure how we're actually related tho. Anyway, we call him Tanglin Halt Ku-kong( kinda to the meaning of grand uncle? im not sure at all). Yea, after the place he stays in, for some funny reason.

Everytime he comes, he either brings:

Fish and seafood
Books and dictionaries
Dessert

Or, all of the above. Today it was birds nest dessert with ginko nuts, san-zi jing, and a new chinese dictionary. The books are for me, he says,
"看不懂, 不要紧, 最重要要有兴趣..." (if you cant understand, its ok, the most important thing is interest..)
i hope i chose all the correct words from the pinyin thing. if HE were the one to write that out, it would be in old chinese. Silently i think, its not that i have no interest, i just cannot understand all these books that you bring, the dictionaries don't go by pinyin, its by chinese phonetics. And, if i can understand the dictionary, i cant understand the words in the other books. My weak feeble interest--- it would probably be in the mortuary by the time i figure out whether to read the first word from left to right, right to left or part by part.

Right now, im reading a book by Adeline Yen Mah, its called A Thousand Pieces of Gold. It is a book slightly touching on the history of China, from the first emperor of Qin, the second emperor, and all the illicit affairs and dirty deals that place, it tries gallantly to explain the origins of chinese proverbs, which the author says is the way chinese think in-chinese think in proverbs. In between, the author weaves in her own life as examples of how these proverns still stand strong and true in our times of weak morals and lost roots.

ANYWAY, before i was distracted, yes, i was thinking about how if all these things that my uncle brought me, were given to me in english, i would not be writing anything now, but curled in bed with all the books. Then, a sudden thought fills my mind, how sad i can only understand chinese thought the words of the english. As 炎黄子孙, i cant even understand the language of my own ancestors.

Then, i look at my uncle straight in the eye, contemplating saying straight i am lazy to try because i really don't know where to begin. But i think he knows anyway, although it is unspoken. But still, he will keep on bringing books and trying to make me understand , and i will keep on not understanding because i wont try because ill be busy studying what is unimportant to my heart but important to my certificates.
Did i mention, he is 74 this year.

2005-06-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

Been lazy and indulgent (of myself) lately. I constanly congratulate myself on getting half an add math paper done. like it really matters when in comparison to the heap of stuff left disdainfully left UNDONE.
While i am constantly reminded, its SHINING JUNE, and the worrying Os are a short short 4 months or 3 months away, not to take into account orals and practicals. Please, i urge someone to remind me: I'll just end up in mediocre place and forever ever be there and ill just roll along in life. You must be saying, oh please, not be so dramatic, or paranoid for that matter. But. i fervently believe it true/

i agree that education and qualifications are not everything in life. Of course, at a job, or in any endeavour later in life, you need to prove yourself right there. right then. But, education will always be a very helpful platform. How better do you want to prove yourself if not with a good store of knowledge that will lend you not only practical analytical abilties but also furbish your first impression with eloquence. Of course,one will argue, that good character always truimphs. I agree, totally. but oh yeah, do remember to take a look around you, everywhere you see intelligent, confident, charismatic and NICE people. Therefore, if you can land up in a good institution, or a bad institution, you might as well land up in a good institution. Even if it is not a gurantee, why the heck short-change yourself!

Above, you must have sniffed out the Kiasu-type attitude hiding in between all the words. Frankly. I AM! haha. there. i am kiasu and kan chiong! so what? As long as im where i want to be ten years down the road, and none too evil and unscrupulous, all the small flaws i dont care!
GOOD DAY!

2005-06-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

Thank you Gladis for the Ricolas.
You are so so so so nice to me. MAn, you make me ashamed!

2005-06-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

RMUN-rjc model united nations conference

Today then only did i learn that there were so many eloQUent young people in Singapore. Most speakers who came up to speak, they could talk on biscuit-dry issues like long term reconstruction and monetary aid in the context of natural disasters effortlessly, or at least appearing effortlessly. Suddenly i feel i have so much so much to learn. i am now in the mind of SELF IMPROVEMENT! i am going to make myself more intelligent. Please remind me about that the next time i whine that i spend endless hours in front of the telly. Maybe i'd feel guilty and stop spending endless hours in front of the telly. Sigh, if i were aleady super intelligent, the telly wouldnt be a problem. mwahaha.

Some countries ( student delegations) didnt speak, and now im thinking, are they feeling good about it, i mean like sitting through at least SIX gruelling hours of conference and not speaking. Are they relieved or feeling pathetic?
i think if i prepared so much and didnt even speak, i would feel so lousy.

i was intimidated by the level of thought, the way of speech and the confidence, really, but im kinda proud of myself because i didnt chicken out and cheat myself of one weeks worth of hard work, even if i wasnt the best, wasnt super fluent or anything.! !!!! !!!! yay!!!~

oh, and the person chairing out debate was such a piss-y person. i hope im never like her.

2005-06-08T10:21:00.000+08:00

at eLouai.com, you get to create your own house, i am so totally wasting my time, but its cute.

2005-06-04T19:06:00.000+08:00

Thank you for giving a chance to attend such a wedding. totally cool.

2005-06-04T18:35:00.000+08:00

This is the one wedding ive looked forward to eagerly, why all the hype? Because my uncle is marrying a malay lady, and there would be customs of all sorts, a mixture of both races, and, for once, i get to participate in a malay wedding. To tell the truth, i never thought much of malay weddings, for one, the location was often in the estate hall, as compared to the usual chinese fare of hotels and restaurants. Also, the food was cooked by one's own kins, to a child(me, at the last wedding i attended) Sharks fins and nice cutlery seemed much grander than plastic plates and home-cooked food.
How wrong i am, i enjoyed the wedding tremendously, even though it somewhat resembled a sauna, for it took place at four in the afternoon. There is this bustling, merriment, joyful spirit in the air, everybody is all smiles, happy to be part of the noise and fun. This makes the normal chinese evening dinner and reception pale in comparison. But then again, according to my mother, there is the counterpart of this ceremony in the chinese tradition, the all important tea ceremony, i look forward to the next one i attend, i can hardly remember the last one.
At 315, we are eating hurriedly at Crystal Jade, then we decide to go to the toilet, which left us precariously late at 320, when the wedding was SUPPOSED to start at 330. So we rushed to find the blocks, really confusing, 663A is on one side of the road, 662 on the otherside, ended up making several detours. When we finally found the place, we actually thought it was the wrong one as we couldnt see anybody we recognised. When we walked in, i distinctly felt different, but yet special in a way. Malay songs, mostly soothing, some sounding weird played in the back ground, and my mom and older relatives sat there conversing in hokkien. REally weird if you consider that everyone else was speaking malay. It was as if it was two different events. YEs, so i sat there, fading into the back ground until my mom said that we had to like go stand somewhere to welcome the groom, my uncle, and then walk behind him, into the hall. How strange, as if a tribe coming to fight, but anyway it was quite fun.

Surprising thing is, they had somewhat the same tradition as the chinese, before the groom was allowed into the hall, he had to pay the 'door price' or not he would not get pass the two old malay ladies wielding bamboos, crossed in front of him to prevent entrance. i suspect i saw a credit card actually, instead of green packets. Then, the groom, who had this neat kris tucked in this belt of cloth walked to the small stage and sat down, like an exhibition piece. Then, some teenagers proceeded to perform some sort of traditional martial arts in front of them, i guess, to bless the new couple? It gradually looked more and more like chinese 'Wushu' Then, the performance evolved into pairs coming out to fight in front, but i suppose they were synchronised before hand, but i really wonder whats the meaning behind it.

For the rest of it, the mat dj spinned malay songs, and even gamely sung a chinese song. The wedding couple sat on the stage, corners of their mouth permanently pinned near the level of their nose, smiling for picture after picture. In someway they were like art exhibits of something, but i suppose everyone wanted a piece of this joy, i estimate, over 60 pictures were taken. Exhausting, if you sat through smiling for EVERY one of them!

While people were clamming for pictures, some other activity was going on, there was the kompang (did i spell correctly?) playing and giving beat to two men who appeared to be half dueling with sticks and half dancing. There was a lot of shaking of shoulders, feel and butt, and even more of hitting each other with sticks. Reminds me of this documentary i watched about an African tribe where all boys had to be whipped as a coming of age activity to prove their worth. I am absolutely amazed how this tradition has carried down, assuming, it has roughly the same meaning whereby its a test for two men?

Sadly, few such chinese traditions are still practiced, chinese children don't take martial arts as part of their culture, but a performance art. We don't take new year as a time to wear the qipao and chinese costumes, but a time to burn a hole in our pockets, buying new mass-produced clothes. Even the chinese language is considered a hateful school subject to many.

Next time, when i get married, i will keep all traditional chinese customs, and on top of that, have a picnic instead of a banquet, we will have fun, music and dance. Everyone can talk loudly and sing, instead of keeping prim and proper, staring at cheap sharks fins and prawns clad in fried biscuit crumble.

2005-06-03T20:21:00.000+08:00

Today, thank you to 190 for being such a bumpy ride, tomorrow i'd appreciate 302 more.

2005-06-03T19:59:00.000+08:00

Buying presents is hard work i tell you. If you know the recipient VERY well, lo and behold, you have an arduous task. Everything you see, you frown upon because you would think," Thats so NOT her. Not at all." Yes, im sure when you finally pick the present, it would be a marvellous one, but the question is, when. On the other hand, if you don't understand the recipient very well, you have an even MORE arduous task, nothing you see will call out to you, " i'm THE ONE!" Choosing anything would be difficult.

It would be all very well to say, if you don't know a person well enough to buy them a present, don't buy them a present. But i think if we all had that mentality, everybody would be getting very little presents this year. Certainly if that worked, i would be buying less presents.

Today i bought a fun present! i TRUDGED to far east plaza, with cool gladis and country bumpkin xiuyi (sorry xiuyi, i still love you all the same, but its true!)...i kinda had fun cause its fun to be with them! And at least for three times, Xiuyi said my taste was ah-mah !(grandmother-ish) We went into funny stores, some stores looked like they were left behind when the whole world moved on, most stores looked warm and homey( thumbs up) and the food stores looked.. well, yummy.

I suppose giving presents is a very basic theory and practice. You like someone, you want to show appreciation, you give them something. There, the basis of giving presents in one short sentence, perfectly logical. It have have dated back as far as when Tarzan gave Jane a swing, or Peter Pan gave Wendy a kiss. (ok: not very far since these two cartoons probably were made in near history, but you get my idea). But, the logic of buying presents has since evolved beyond simple appreciation, though that IS still the primary reason. today gladis said, she thinks many people chipping in to buy a present is not very nice because normally not everyone goes out together to buy it, but the task is left to a few. Many just give a present because it is in social ettiquete to give presents to people whom are supposed to be good friends. Even if you bitch about them the moment they turn their backs. Even if you curse them for being alive every day they are. Even if you hate their guts and think they are irritating. Thats the world we are living in now.

i still have many presents to buy! yay, thats fun, if i have the money!!! Because i really wanna give them presents, but i'm sorry i missed their sweet sixteen, maybe ill make them presents cus im broke. SORRY to all those people whom i intend to give presents to buy forgot. right, like they'll know who.

2005-06-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

Everytime i read my sister's email, i tear up, because shes sorta like my personal counsellor, whether she likes it or not. yep, because shes my SISTER. I know sometimes shes tired of listening to me complaining, whinging, moaning, yes, every synonym of forms of unpleasant rambling. Sorry sista if you're reading this. Will try to make my mail easier to read next time, hmm, really sorry to trouble her come to think of it. I have it so much better than her. I have my Mom and Dad here, i have a joker of a brother. No kidding, i have it better. To anyone who cant appreciate their family either because their dumb, or their family members arent really nice, sorry. IM just so lucky. i cant believe it.

today,a special thank you to Gladis, this really great person, because she bought me milo and told me about her hospital trick. thank you, i bet she doesnt know how much better she made me feel. so i'll tell her tomorrow.

yesterday, i watched this documentary or Marily Monroe's death. It aimed to play out the actual circumstances of her death by re-enacting, recreating the scene, using any information gathered at that time. the deal was, they wanted to find out whether Marilyn was,
a) murdered due to her involvement with some shady business we all know
b) dead due to suicide, which was due to her unstable emotional state
c) killed by her housekeeper who they hypothesized, was bribed
d) unintentionally overdosed on nembutal pills

anyway, i don't really care how she died, but what creeped me out, was the state of one's mind when one wanted so much to die and end their misery for suicide to be a friendlier option when placed beside life. How despondent, helpless, abandoned, i think she must feel to comtemplate suicide. As if nothing else in this world could help her, or how the task of standing up again was simply too great to face. She must have had no source of comfort, no one whom she could call to pour out all her troubles to and still see her in exactly the same light. If she did attempt and succeed in suicide, the moments before the decision must have been depressing to say the least.

i never ever want to put myself in such a situation, where i make myself mad with sadness and isolation. i hope i always find it possible to see hope and belief in better things to come for all my life.

2005-05-14T20:24:00.000+08:00

well asyikeen, soon i shall have to give the blog to you.
but thats ok.

maybe id be too lazy by that time.
Sloth is cunning, it sets on slowly, it is charismatic, gives you ability to lie to yourself. Sloth walks into my body and possesses me unwittingly when i am asleep. It gives you no notice whatsoever. An unwanted guest, you do not want to house it, but oh, its visit gives tremendous pleasure. Everything can be classified as later, tomorrow, or quickly done in a moment. NOW seems like a death sentence, Now, at that point in time is for enjoyment. That is my experience of sloth.
Sloth lulled me to sleep at 2 on a useful saturday afternoon, yes, the same one that is making my hands move across the laptop keys now. Sloth is something cultured from its enemy. If you work too hard, too suddenly, like study for an exam, the yearn to stop, to rest grows ever deeper. Because of the unnatural hard work, sloth is something you promise yourself. So should you stop working or doing anything in aversion to cultivate aversion to work, since you don't work, you wouldn't have want to avoid it?

NO! Those, were reflections in the mirror of sloth, reported by sloth itself.
No such thing as sloth controls you, for we control sloth, and make it control us.

2005-05-14T13:02:00.000+08:00

why does a success seem like a failure? is it the know that you have much to accomplish or does the success seem mediocre now that you have accomplished it?

does the feeling ring a bell deep in the crevices of your cerebrum? well, that's because it's the inescapable fact of human nature. one will always harbour a dissatisfaction to what he or she has achieved-and that's certainly a good thing. if you accept your achievements the way it is, you'll never be able to move on to better things.

do not brood over your failures albeit it's the easiest thing to turn to. i've done it lots of time and yes, it was comforting in a sense and initially but i soon came to realise that it did not in any way help me in one bit. moping around the house would not do me any good penultimately. if one falls down, dont just lick your wounds and expect someone to offer you a helping hand. you have to get up yourself even if you stagger and stumble again.

you have to challenge yourself to rise to greater heights and transcend all boundaries of what you percieve as impossible, as people say if there's a will, there's definitely a way. dont stop at what you think is good but push yourself to the limits to clinch the best according to your capabilities.

so, young ladies and gentlemen, i have one thing left to say to you, "are you game?"

contributed proudly (and finally) by as

2005-04-20T18:04:00.000+08:00

Oh right, thanks to all well wishes!
i got well doubly quick!

2005-04-20T17:01:00.000+08:00

An idiot is an idiot, Say what you mean, SAY what you really Think.
I think, if as a human being and supposedly a person at the "rebellious teenager" phase of life, and i can't even do that, it would really be saddening.
it IS saddening. ( what i mean is that i really cant do that)
For example,
I am not supposed to tell a particular teacher: "i think you are not very good at teaching and you should just go back to your old school." That would be too hurting.
I am not supposed to say at a wedding dinner, to a groom, :" Hey, are you sure you really want to marry her?" that would be ending their marriage before it even begun
I am not supposed to tell your teacher's girlfriend when you see her," Eh? change again?" that's sabotage.
I am not supposed to ask someone when their grandma has died," Why are you crying? When she was alive, you complained about her being nothing but a whole lot of trouble." Even if that is true, i dont know if by saying that, it would be more an insult to the deceased or the grandchild crying.
In fact, when i go to someone's funeral, i am supposed to tell their loved ones, " I'm sorry", even if the deceased is your father's sister's malaysian business associate's son's father-in-law. But, im sure i couldn't even care less, and im not really sorry that he died because it would not have affected my life whatsoever.

In the name of grace, etiquette and tact, what comes out of our mouth is bound by many do's, don'ts and restrictions. What i was told, was, " It isnt nice to say _____________ ( fill in the blanks yourself, it applies quite generally)" But fact is, this world isnt all candy, roses and nice-ness, it is mostly pretentious nice-ness, bushes, weapons of mass destructions and rubbish.
Forgive me if cynicism is a big part of my values and character.

However, i do agree with tact at times, for sometimes the truth can be very hurtful, we can think what we like to think, but the other party doesn't need to know what we really think of them. This may sound, and may be hypocritical, and contradictory to my opening sentence, but why go to the extent that the person goes on living knowing that he his an irritating prick.
Sometimes,
No matter how irritated we feel, we should not tell someone to shut up or f *** off. Even if the object of irritation really deserves it. Notice i say "should not". So if object of irritation is really irritating the hell out of you, go ahead and tell them to the face. You can still tell them "sorry" thereafter, and sincerely feel sorry for yelling at them, but not feel sorry that they got yelled at. Since it insists on carrying on in true form, i suppose it cant blame you for being extremely irritable and grumpy.
So, i change my mind, :
Mean what you Say, THINK before you really SAY
An idiot is always an idiot, what the idiot doesnt need to know that it is an idiot
How often do you hear someone addressing faeces when, say, they have forgotten their father's birthday. I don't know about you, but i personally find it funny to start talking to faeces about forgetfulness and my father's birthday. Did they really mean what they say?

Also, how often do you hear people hallucinating about sharks, when they exclaim about not doing something. Does " Sharks! i forgot to do add math homework!" sound familiar. Again, did they really say what they mean?
Of course, i know, its all in the expression, but did it ever once occur to you how funny these expressions are?
I once addressed sharks, mothers, faeces, and all manner of god too when i wanted to exlcaim about something. Until i realised how funny these expressions are.

Things that you don't actually want to mean, find themselves popping out of your mouth ever so often, but yet how often do you get down to saying what you really think and feel?

Do you tell the people you love, " I hope you have a nice day, and i love you" ever, if you do, and you really do mean what you say, i think you and your parents must really be very fortunate to have each other. What if on a fine day like today, a ridiculous someone went mad NOW, and started shooting everyone else in school.( forget about it being Singapore, and the impossibility of getting guns in out safe city for now) Your mum would never know that you actually loved her for sure, and you would die knowing you never let your mum know how much she meant to you.

Sometimes, when you have done something really wrong, that irks you, do you actually get down to saying sorry? Sure, we can all ignore it, and no doubt it will blow over in a while. All because of pride, we shun saying sorry when it really is deserved, but when you have really wronged someone else, that one word does wonders. People say sorry for all the sillest reasons, but yet when we really feel sorry, the word seems forever lodged in our throats.

I meant every word that i typed above, did you mean every word you said today?

2005-04-18T19:02:00.000+08:00

this is where my nose went. according to adeline..contribution proudly by Ade.

2005-04-16T20:33:00.000+08:00

this is me. and how i feel:

2005-04-16T20:01:00.000+08:00

Today i devoted all my energies(not much left) in trying to win back by weak body.
and.
i have failed.
i still feel like soft mud, a slug who has a sore throat, flu and a terrible headache.
i cant concentrate on ANYTHING, i cant decide if the fan is good for me. i cant decide if i can study or not. i cant decide if i should take a bath. Probably because i dont have enough energy and concentration to decide.
Sick is such a terrible way to feel, i tell you. i cant even go to sleep properly. i have tried all yoga positions to clear my block nose. i tried taking a nice hot bath. i tried changing clothes. i tried watching tv!
it doesnt freaking work.
mummy please come home now and nag at me now so i will get better!
and the exams are coming!! oh no. bloody.

2005-04-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

Two days ago, a small indian girl made me think she was god, and for a moment i thought god was watching me, the same god i don't really know, but ok, i know you'll forgive me when if you read this.

dear god:
The day before yesterday, which makes it wednesday, i was journeying home from an extremely mentally and emotionally-exhausting day from school. i hadnt eated recess, or lunch. THE ONE TEENY EENSY WEENY CHEESE BUN DOES NOT COUNT! IT WAS OVER IN THREE BITES. ! ! ! ok, forgive me for being so jumpy about food. but really i am quite the person who has a big appetite, and eats as she pleases, tummy or no tummy. flab or no flab. hunger pains are much worse. ** on the same day, there was this man givin us a talk entitled" welcome to the challenges of an aging population" tell me about that! i mean, ok...im not that old here, even if i am mature, thank you very much. yes, so sorry to mr. speech. no recess simply sucks the mood out of trying to concentrate on assembly.

yes, that was about being hungry, god, just to emphasize.

so i was on the bus home, a short twenty minute ride, and i was standing , beside this little indian girl in a red and orange checkered dress. She had two pigtails, fat ones, those that arent silky, but more like those with loads of fly-aways, but soft hair nevertheless. Gold-rimmed spectales sat on her nose, and she was carring a blue shoulder bag. She couldn't have been older than nine. In other words, she looked this a typical Singaporean kid going for tuition. (notice, the detail in which i can STILL remember her -amazing- means i really peered at her, thinking she was you! )

the thing is she was eating wang-wang biscuits, which smell very nice when a person is hungry. And, the smell of the wang-wang biscuits brought back fond memories of childhood, because all i had for recess when i was seven and eight, was wang-wang biscuites, whole year round. So, i was wishing i had a wang-wang biscuit to eat. i must have been staring and looking very intently, without realising so, because, she -HERE COMES THE PART THAT MADE ME THINK OF HER AS YOU!- fumbled in her bag to find another wang-wang biscuit to offer me, "do you want this?"

althought i was absoulutely famished, i said, "No thank you, you can have it yourself" of course i didnt forget to add on this endearing smile. i have no idea why i rejected the wang-wang biscuit. still dont.
yes, at THAT moment , i thought she was you! i thought she was god, becaues no stranger ever offered me a biscuit just for offering me a biscuit! No one ever guessed my thoughts spot-on. No body, but a kid does this because of pure goodwill.

so you see god, although i don't think i have met you yet, my impression of you is that you will offer help to me when i am most hungry, most low and at the worst of worses. i think that, you are omnipresent and you will know what i am thinking. i think that you like to defy common impressions that you are a white man with a beard. (maybe you are).
After a little while, i decided you coulnt have been her, because you would be more subtle, being god. For the rest of the trip, i was thinking about having thought she was you.
If you have been in my life, i think you have been too subtle, because i havent seen you or felt you, but, thanks all the same for having me on your universe.
im sure i will have a great life.

very sincerely,
ruiyan

2005-04-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

the sinking sampan had nothing to do with my day!( read entry below)
i had absolutely fun time being linesman for the inter-unit badminton competition we held today!
i was TOTALLY, UTTERLY mesmerised by the badminton player's skills, much to the extent that the lines, any lines were miles from my concious mind And of course, primary reason for being happy is that school work, homework and any other troublesome matters to handle were absolutely chased away by my mind bouncer.. i could just sit there, relax, try to act strict and un-bias ( i was-cos' the school behind me was irritating me a lot) and stone.
Now, of course that doesnt make me sound like the most utterly interesting person with the most amazing life. BUT, its true. anything to get away from work. Not to say that i am stressed, on the edge of insanity, or morphing into the poor singaporean student boggled by schoolwork (not. i still don't school life is very stressful, its just tiring), but yes, sadly school has made me,( through trying to impart knowledge), resist any activites whereby active brain action is required.

2005-04-01T21:49:00.000+08:00

jump-boat!
a lot of times, that seems like the easiest decision, to jump the sinking boat and look for another stable and huge ocean-liner, where we can just pretend to be exhausted and wait for help to find us, where we can wash and fade away into oblivion, disappearing amongst the crowd.

However, many times, after you jump boat, you realise that the boat is no longer sinking. Logically, it is because you, the fat ass, has jumped off, relieving the poor sampan of the humomgous weight, and thus, it has become a happy sampan voyaging out alone bravely in the ocean, free and easy~. If put in terms of a person giving up, i suppose that the sampan (whatever ideal one is working towards) is probably taking off because all the fat asses have got off, and thus noise pollution(endless laments, complains and whinging) and heart weariness factor has lessened, and you find it so much easier to work efficiently. However, we must also know, the natural reaction to jump of the sinking sampan, believing safely, that we will find a nice new ocean liner, instead of believing in the tiny chance that the sampan would magically mend all holes and become the miniature version of an ocean liner.. Drifting in the ocean waiting for someone to rescue the damsel in distress is much easier than being the one tryin to rescue the sinking sampan and find survial.
Despite all that has been said, i must confess i am one who jumps boat when the boat is holey, rotting, stinky and dingy. I lack the strength to hold on to the belief that the sampan will come alive, but choose to believe it is wise to look for the uncertain breezy ocean liner. Of course, i don't learn from my mistakes, and i am often looking for the oceanliner and ship that may very well be titanic. A fat ass on the sampan and a fat ass on the oceanliner, will ultimately still be THE fat ass.

thank you very much.

2005-03-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

buying bubble tea and being the authetic slurping ape
you wouldn't believe if i tell you that the number of times ive bought bubble tea or a drink from ditzy stalls with silly names [probably, problem is i cant recall any because i dont think i actually ever register them..all are so similar and bland] probably amounts to less than ten. The first time i bought, was just for pure curiosity. The second probably so i'd have something cold to hold. The third probably to quench my thirst and choke my arteries and veins. Today, just for the want to spend money.

Don't give me that look as if its absurd to buy something just because one feels like spending money! i know i probably sound like some rich brat, but heck! its true. You feel your hand just reaching for the loose coins, to surrender them over to the woman smiling behind the counter/
YOu desperately hope that there is not enough coins so you would just have to walk away and not buy. BUT. of course there is always money to buy silly things and no money to buy things we really really want and really really need~like a two way ticket to Australia now. So after you hand over the money, she looks expectantly at you, waiting for you to make that all important choice. Not that she really cares. And then, in the end. you will end up with a decision that you utterly abhorr but still have anyway.
THERE! that is the feeling of wanting to spend money. simply when even making the decision on what flavour,colour, shape is a chore.

ok..i shall have to say, my Strawberry milk tea wasnt that bad(it cost me two bucks ok..it better not be bad>>>haha.. bingo! you have just found out that im really quite a penny pincher? But..on nice things, i will spend..like shoes. /
But, the milk tea at least had a purpose, it reminded me that i really don't like bubble tea much..hot teh is nicer~..So, next time i wont get it. and WONT as a result dirty my shirt.

** was wearing my yellow, slurping ape tee, and due to my in-expert( is there such a word?) poking of the straw into the cup, the hole was gaping( and grinning at me). Of course..i had no idea it was laughing at me until i happily slurped, sucked, swirled the drink around..and the bodily fluid of the bubble tea tumbled down the front of my shirt. BAH!

2005-03-18T18:00:00.000+08:00

Today, we had mandatory voluntary work, the Singapore education system's equivalent of Community Involvement work. Sadly, they have to resort to such measures to make sure everyone raises some kind of fund for some kind of organization. I'm sure if this program was scrapped, the number of students going for this fundraising kind of voluntary work would be cut by half. Or more. Somehow, CIP doesnt figure somewhere near the top of my list of things to do in the HOLIDAYS. Anyway, i think other than us and a few other schools, the others just collected the bags, put four bucks in and stashed the whole bag in their own bags before going for movies. So, as you can see, and as we all know, CIP has no point. No point at all- all those students who would really die to contribute to the society, surely have some more meaningful way of doing so.

Afterall, all this collection has told me a few things.
1. IF unwiling to donate, scratch your backside and look at the sky pretending you don't see the hopeful student with the collection bag.

2. MOst people engage in meaningful conversations for all of three minutes~while nice students like me try to engage their hands to reach in their pockets..

3. Plague has just had a makeover. Now, they look exactly like students carrying donation bags and plastic smiles.( ok. i think if i were them, i would find me irritating..tho i did try to smile a lot. and i think many people had nice days since i practically said that to everyone. even if they didnt donate..)

BUT, to be fair, to all the generous people who listened to me for all of that half minute today, THANK YOU !!! I Like YOU(that was love at first..until i realised how over-used love is..that its meaning has cheapened)- for at least stopping..YOU: HAVE A NICE DAY!! (afterall~ i did manage to sell all :P ---> haha!! can you tell im gleeful?) The raffles place rushhour morning crowd really isnt that bad...mostly those who'll spare their time are women around like late 30s, or men around mid 40s. Don't bother with the good looking sorts~they are too busy looking like a million bucks( just a figure of speech- come'on you don't look anywhere near that good, if you were, i would kidnap you to pass of as a milllion bucks). Also, give the expats who wear posh office clothes a miss, they will just say something in their great britain accent that i cant understand~probably, its just to brush me off-not really meant to be heard.

After that, we went to polar for snacks. the counter guy was short, weird and hiding behind a cap...but yeah. JUST A NOSY CASHEIR! ( note to seri, jj and meiyi) The polar hot dog roll wasnt fantastic anyway. i was just desperate to sit down and surrender to my self-contentedness of having sold everything..haha!! im sure you'll understand meiyi!

Yeap..had claypot rice with jj and zhiwen for lunch..nice! but then again..i havent had clapot rice for a long time..so cant really tell the standard...but for lunch..it beats fastfood hands, legs, pots down. Except that it wasnt in an air conditioned place..but thats ok..for nice food..im willing to perspire.

After that zhiwen picked up some wallet belonging to a guy called Norman Then. Weird surname huh! For some reason, (can someone please explain to me), he found it weird for a younger guy to call an older guy to inform him that he has found his wallet. yeap. so i spoke with that guy, who mistakenly thought i found it and he was so glad he saidcan i give you a hug..HAHA!!

but ok..i can relate to that relief..after all his wallet contained a check.Just like one week ago, i dropped and misplaced my ezlink and warren club card..then a person apparently returned it to the station..oh..i think i could have hugged the person too! just that i didnt know who returned it~ But no, im not that desperate, so i just laughed the funny request off..(its not because he is horrible looking anyway~ i thought he looked quite ok, like a blur kinda person)

Therefore...after buying one hp strap myself, after topping up my card balance, after nice lunch. i had absolutely NO money left.. not even a five cent coin. yeap..but this student who tried to sell me a magic calculator for ten bucks, for FUNDRAISING, wouldnt believe me. Tried telling her that i didnt mind listening to her...but she would be wasting her time since i was penniless...haha! she didnt believe eventually! but ok..i can forgive her...arent we all hapless students doing mandatory voluntary work....

2005-03-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

i must say this holidays are slipping away FREAKIN fast.
i havent really like realised its hols and yes. its HOLs. by the time i do, guess what. its over.
actually you cant even call it hols! teachers don't realize that its hols too!
They give us consent forms with them being in charge clearly on the dotted lines. We sign and give it back to them.
And then, they pile us with homework, and pretend they forgot about all the consent forms and travelling time to whatever we are supposed to attend..
When we don't turn up, they pretend they don't know about homework, and we are supposed to feel guilty if we want to do homework instead of selling handphone straps for CIP.
but anyway. thats just the way things are.
doesnt really matter if i can finish or not.

2005-03-17T22:04:00.000+08:00

Someone once told me the grass is much greener
on the other side~
Well i paid a visit, but its possible i missed it
It seemed different yet exactly the same
Yeah (yeah yeah yea~)
'Till further notice ('till further notice~)
I'm in between (I'm in between~)
From where I'm standing(from where im standing)
My grass is green
Someone once told me the grass is much greener
on the other side~
-macy gray for 'as told by ginger' theme song

if as told by ginger is a cartoon..(im not sure what you define by a cartoon) i think i like sensible cartoons..at least cartoons with words, instead of wordless cats and mice chasing each other with comical music. yes, i think as told by ginger is a nice cartoon.

2005-03-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

see, i was really trying to end off my jumping off my last swing

2005-03-13T22:22:00.000+08:00

the stupidest thing i can do to injure my back-->dont try.

2005-03-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

i did a most stupid thing yesterday..
was somewhere in some relatives condo till like two plus am.
round ten plus when to shoot some hoops with this cousin..i think i havent spoken to him for three years. --> hah!
and then i got bored cus hes so good. i went to swing on the monkey bars.
look at the picture for perfect stupidity.

2005-02-26T23:11:00.000+08:00

to:
Ass and Zhiying,
in case you guys dont re-read comments,
i am NOT always lost in my own thoughts
** hi to ass'es first comment

2005-02-25T16:32:00.000+08:00

yesterday i was sitting in the coffee shop eating lunch alone.
i was thinking and lost in my own thoughts.
but about nothing serious
i was deciding between ice lemon tea and cornetto triple chocolate.
i took so long that i finished the wanton mee before i bought the drink
then i decided not to have ice cream aniway, since im coughing.

this is my hand at the most boring blog i can write.

2005-02-25T16:12:00.000+08:00

a lot of things happened recently.
i think assumptions are extremely dangerous, they wear cloaks disguised as exaggerated views, when they are actually the heated reactions of us humble man.
they are conceived and borne out of mr. lets-get-together-and-bitch and mrs. i-see-you-are-angry-thus-i-am.
see! they dont even have the same surnames. obviously, assumptions are bastards.
but most times you say bastards are innocent since they are the result of not something they can control.
but this must be a very telepathic child then.

i am guilty of having adopted many babies from the two named above.
tsk tsk. illegal transactions.

2005-02-09T01:08:00.000+08:00

this is seriously screwed up..
haha. but im lazy to figure it out. EVEN IF I CAN THAT IS!!!
and guess what? its the first day of the lunar new year!!! woohoo.

2005-02-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

please scroll down

2005-02-06T01:20:00.000+08:00

im kinda sleepy~actually when am i not?
but im determined to write something today so I'll remember today.
today we went out to chinatown!! WheE. i like going out with my family, makes me feel so good that i have a great family.
love them love them love them love them love me. LOVE THEM! yay.
whoops. did i blow my cover for being narcissistic. it was deliberate.
we went and waited for parking lots at club street..which has loads of posh-ish looking eateries, but smells amazingly similar to cat pee. which is basically the most terrible thing you can imagine. bet you cant imagine it.
because neither can i, books told me cat pee was smelly. but you get the idea.

then, we ate at maxwells foodcentre where i had really yummy hokkien noodles. yeah. its a nice hawker centre cuz its fairly clean and there are fans! yay.

then we went to see the temporary buddhist set-up place. where there was chanting. i was simply fascinated by the chanting and i think there was a monk who sorta stared at me cus i stared at him. the chanting is really calming and soothing...really, i think i could have stood there and listened on and on, even if i didnt understand a word.

Until i properly understand all the religions.[ which is probably never ] i think i will be a buddhist my whole life.

interlude> my brother had to ask, do monks drink coke? first thing you would say is no, but then, its not exactly against the buddhist law right? unless its counted as a luxury?

After that we went and squeezed with all the chinese people getting goods for the new year. all the tourists with their funny clothes, all the ang-mohs with their lovely cameras, and all the other people who went there just to squeeze with other people. LIke us actually. Wanted to soak up the new year mood, but didnt really succeed tho i was still fun..!

And then went around pretending to be a good photographer taking artistic photos dreaming that one day ill be a photographer..except that i was using a on-and-click digital camera..the real ones [ real photographers] were using big cameras with long protrusions. haha... just imagining ok. think id make a bad photographer. im always too slow.

oh yeah. something stupid~ i mistook pig trotters for dried ducks. which is very dumb but hilarious at that time!!

2005-01-31T01:11:00.000+08:00

im still thinking about yesterday, or was it the day before?
no, its yesterday.
and i realised actually its not only that i would be guilty to see him really crying..i think i couldnt bear to kick him that hard, cause i know then he'll really be injured and in pain...
sigh...brothers..
did i mention he has this really bad temper, like when i ask him what hes so busy with, a normal reply will be like,
1/ go away
2/ quiet la. you talk too much
3/ don't disturb me. i don't feel like talking to you.

thats not because hes mad with me or anything..he just has this horrible mouth where meanings become really warped.
Like 'im busy' is translated to 'go away!'
sigh..hes like that.

2005-01-30T11:02:00.000+08:00

i must have sounded a bit mad in the last post. mad as in insane..but i was more mad as in angry actually..
should i say my brother is practical or big-hearted?
Although he may be extremely irritating at times..[you cant even imagine how much, cause he's smart enough to know the best way to agitate me..]
but he forgets [i hope] easily..actually he has already gotten over our fight yesterday. which is GREAT!! maybe he thought it would be wiser since he also kicked me, and he probably would have to talk to me since he likes talking. therefore..i have provided him a ladder to climb of his wall of anger..

2005-01-29T13:05:00.000+08:00

great calamity has befallen, and my hands are quavering.
dj is sitting in a corner of the room crying, wei is watching tv, but i hope he really is watching, instead of getting angry at me. and, i dont know what to say.
he and is terrible temper..demanded to use the computer, well actually he WAS using it, until he went to the toilet and dj came and took over.
he wanted the computer back, but since its djs com..she wanted to use it, and she asked him to use the one, which he refused. so you see until now, im completely not in the picture. Until i had to say, "thats what you did to me the other day too! made me switch computers..so you should switch now", besides its her computer. to my brother i mean. well, not the exact words, but to that meaning..
and then, he whinged a lil and decide to make a wild stab at destroying her laptop, after that, she pushed him behind, and he pointed at her, and she told him not to point at her. of course, now that she said it, he HAD to point and jab her face.
which is really insulting, when another person jabs your head or face.
After that, the whole saga of cushions, legs, hands came out. spectacles where flying until he must have hit some painful spot, and she withdrew to the floor.

NOW. i was hopping mad, tho it wasnt really all his fault since both started it. so i slapped him across the shoulder and at that point i saw a look of disbelief cross his face. he must have thought, why is my second sister siding with the other sister when im the victim. FOr a moment then, i felt guilty. but then he had to scream at me, and all the past greivances flew out so i kicked him. There was this huge temptation to kick him so hard that he would fall to the floor and be sent to the hospital.
i can do that, i know.
but of course. i cant, id get into a whole load of trouble not to mention the increasing guilt. so i just kicked his stomach,
kicked nevertheless.

after that. the door closed, and then he stood outside staring in at the room at us. so despite the fact i was really angry at him, i decided to agitate him by acting as if nothing had happenec, and smiled at him.
now, that was really childish..
and i was wrong to take sides. its just that he really made me hopping mad at that point in time, cus he always does this. However. unlike my sis. i always choose to walk away because i don't want to start a fight. But when im mad, don't even come near me...
i am trying to remember how it felt like to want to injure someone so much so that they fall and cry.
bleah. i sound sadistic.
actually, now im guilty for everything. sigh.

2005-01-27T16:14:00.000+08:00

So, whats your problem?
he demanded, hands gesturing in a relaxed manner, shifting his weight comfortably to the other foot.
he was so insistent that i had a problem!
teachers~
*when you have problems. some will grimace at how slow you are
*when you don't, they think you're up to something. probably another kind of problem, he thinks
tsk tsk..

2005-01-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

throbbing headache.
hit. hit. hit. hit. out.
the only two ways you escape a throbbing headache, is my replacing the throbbing with your own throbbing and hitting your own head.
OR.
you fall asleep.
i think i was hitting my head for so long and doing nothing else, i eventually fell asleep.

2005-01-23T22:01:00.000+08:00

if you have any solution to jumpy archives, because i am completely clueless at html, please tell me.
it is not supposed to jump.
i presume you know that. and i have no intention of hidden meanings of having a jumpy past that disappears at times.

2005-01-23T20:29:00.000+08:00

can you at will enter a dream?
can you dream what you want to dream?
then maybe, thats not called dreaming, perhaps its just watching your mind and how imagination and self-deceit works.

i was trying hard to fall into an afternoon nap since i was lazy to study organic chem. still am, don't mistake the past tense. yeah, but no chance. keeper of my sanity of thoughts was reluctant let go and allow my preferred world of dreams to take over.

so simply, i think. i had to let myself pretend to fall asleep, so maybe i'd really fall asleep. does that make sense? you ever do that?

so there i was closing my eyes and imagining a dream while my brother was trying to prod me awake, he is aware of my lazy habit, therefore.

and i actually lapsed into a dream which i wanted to..sort of like directing a movie where you know exactly what you want to see next, and you will. the first dream. is hmm. not fit to be typed here [^^ you get what i mean? haha...exactly.] but it was about the parents in the disney show my wife and kids stuck in a dressing room. [ im sure you have the sure-est idea]

then i awoke cuz i decided the dream was done with. then i proceeded to the second dream. which i had less control in i realised, but still i could make me enter but not direct what i wanted to see. apparently, i was in this shopping centre linked to hotels..i went down many levels, the vivid memory of fluroscent lighting and the sting of the low temperature of the aircon at my nose. What i don't remember much is the buzz of people activity. in this dream. i was the main character without care to anybody else. i think the building is linked to ngee ann city. [ of course i know ngee ann city is linked to no hotel, remember is this a dream.]
and then i walked out, but i realised it was just a tall tower, a business building which stood lost in dirt road, foreign from the other sites i was about to see. i turned right, walked further down.

what i saw was two indian ladies [ well, they were dark skinned] who were wearing yellow saris, and both held something like a window. cept they were dark and extremely reflective, so much so that i could see a dist0rtedly fat me in a tank top on the surface. They were standing in front of a huge mirror.

then behind them. i saw a barren soccer field enclosed be the traditional green fences..and there was this dilapidated coffee shop, pale blue greem in colour. Paint on its wooden panel doors were feeling, and the panels were stacked one over another. The few customers in the shop were old man, kindly-looking old men like those you would see on a week day afternoon in a quiet malaysian village.
then, the owner i presume, shouted, " Communicable disease centre"

apparently i had been staring for too long. so i left, feeling all the eyes on my back.

i walked back to the building, and this time took a left turn to see an even older building. it felt like i had returned to olden-day china. of course the image was like those in drama serials which the free to air channels constantly re-run. then at this lopitiam-styled table, they were wearing the typical old type of clothes and those black shoes that actually resemble ballerinas' in modern day. just without the ribbon and the cute-pinkness. the sat all facing the direction i was to come from, one leg hiked up the other had holding opium sticks. s t a r i n g at m e . as if to question this intrusion of a modern day girl in a tank top into their world, with passage and passport of a dream. it was a training school. twenty over years of dusty history.

now, for anybody who bothered to read to the end [ i wouldnt], since this is so lengthy, and would mean nothing to anyone but me. congratulations..you have taken a journey through my mixed up mind in the passage of an illogical dream via [yay]. blogger transit. thanks for flying with me, and hope you enjoyed.

please don't laugh at me for taking you on a cock-and-bull story. i havent. but maybe ive been watching too much tv.

2005-01-23T20:01:00.000+08:00

i am guilty of cursing someone over the phone whom i have never seen in my life, and i doubt i will see him. We were kayaking at east coast on the public holiday...had the lovely-est time floating about when we decided to cast away the restricting life jackets for....[ a totally superficial and silly reason i shall not care to mention ] if god, or my maker had decided to take away my life at that very moment because of that..my..i would have been totally ashamed. but give me a chance, i would still do the same thing. is that called playing with life and tempting fate?
hmmm.
and as me and xy were lying back on the plastic kayak [ imagine toy brand fisher and price, or was that fisher and parder?] , we looked at the shore and i checked our location to see that we were in a good position to row back leisurely later with the help of the tides. but of course. i had to forget that we were looking at it upside down, and we actually on the very wrong side after having been taken for a ride by the tide. bleah. wonderful. tho i didnt actually say. i was toasting and toasted, baking , baked and burnt...and rowing back was terrible. haha!

now we come to the part about the blardy person over the phone. [ sorry to xiuyi, hope your friends didnt mistake me to be the prototype of all your friends or something..] we finished nicely at six, just enough time to let me travel leisurely to orchard for dinner with mum and sis. and maybe new year clothes splurging. HOWEVER! we had to discover that the ex-class mates xy was spposed to be meeting were also at east coast..so xy decided to meet then there instead of oriental hotel, since she didnt have the foggiest idea where that was. neither do i in fact. and then, i still cant believe it...we searhed for them for one and a half blardy hours! mustve have walked and ran for god knows how long. Out of the spposedly huge group of class mates, who were all at east coast, no one knew where marina cove was. OK. that was forgiven, since unless you go there like often, you might not know. then. we asked them to meet us at say, 7 eleven. THEY DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS AN OUTLET THERE. Macafe? Great, they didnt know where that was. GREAT BLUE GIANT BOWLING BUILDING. by this time, i had resorted to simplifying buildings into colours and signboards, not including the names since they probably didnt know what anything was called. Still they didnt know where anything was, instead they told us to search for CLIFF 14.
like HUH!?! i didnt even know east coast had cliffs, if thats what you called them, further more what their serial number was. better still. one regaled me with something like how far they were [ 284 m] from some place i'd never heard before, or mabe it was the bottom of the sea. MAybe i did sound like i wore a metres and speedometres for bracelets. WOW.

after one hour of walking. [ please factor in being sun burnt, want for good food, and increasing worry mom would get mad at me for standing her up at orchard ] i couldnt resist it and screamed at the person over the phone.
sigh. pleast forgive me whoever you are for screaming at you. tho i still dun feel bad, you probably will get over it, wont you?

[ i sound like an unreasonable bitch.]
to person who got screamed at: im still amazed at your extensive street-smart-ness and great direction sense.

if i have to admit..i wasnt very willing to search for the friends..just only cus xy had to meet them, or else she would not know where to go. the prospect of being an evil friend and abandoning her for dinner, allowing to walk east coast alone, and not knowing how to go to the hotel sent me on a guilt trip. therefore grudgingly a LEISURELY WALK at east coast in exchange.

2005-01-13T22:48:00.000+08:00

today i sat beside some idiots from some other secondary school on bus. A few seats in front of us, there was a lesbian couple. maybe 17? and then, all through the bus trip, they insulted and bitched about the lesbians between themselves, but really. all the bored people in the bus. ~like me~ were listening. i nearly screeched at her. irritating stupid idiot, how sensitive! haha...just for the sake of frightening her, i almost wanted to scream. hey you know what im a lesbian, tho im not. mwahaha.. go away! really should've done that.

2005-01-03T20:01:00.000+08:00

first day at school. did i mention that i have xtremely short memory. i must have forgot how i dun really like school, and then got into the mood of wanting to go to school. But alas...i was reminded by the first day at school how good holidays are. sigh..we students should get grateful one day in the hols, to actually stop moaning about how the hols are boring our pants off us.

2005-01-01T18:42:00.000+08:00

today cherly called. she, who looked after me since i was born unitl i was about four? [other then my mom that is. ] yeah, so the phone rang, and because my house has two phones answering to the same line, i picked up the phone and answered the same time my mom did. However, fortunately she didnt hear me but heard my mom instead. So, i continued to listen to their conversation under the pretext of it being purely coincidental...but strangly i had almost nothing to say to someone who was around me and looked after me for my first four years on earth.
i wonder why. really.

after cherly left..she married a canadian..and shes studying right now. and we;re also chatting right now..haah..think! i would nv have thought so ten years ago!

when we were young, my mother never liked to stay at home to look after us as unfortunately she was rather short tempered and impatient with an eye for particular arrangements of clothes and stuff, fussy in other words...so according to her, she couldnt bear to stay home with all the mess...dun get me wrong..not that she didnt love us, just that she wasnt much the stay at home mom kinda person..haha..so it was a series of maids who did all the small things which when added together became very big things..
secretly..when i was young..i didnt like days when mom was home just for a really childish reason... she always made sure we bathed on time and do errands..haha..being lazy which has always been me..i always grumbled...

2004-12-29T10:23:00.000+08:00

The death toll climbs to 55 000 worldwide!
how many more are waiting to be found?

2004-12-28T23:14:00.000+08:00

different lives, different fates..really, you never know what god has in mind for you.
Look! at those people who try to commit suicide but fail, and only to be rescued and jailed later for attempting suicide, death shys away.

Yet, those holidaying, those going about their everyday lives , have theirs just snuffed out like that by the tsunamis, death just appears like an univited guest, and they never even got to know who showed up. Was it a quick death, whereby you never even got to realise. or was it a choking death...What was it like to be swallowed by the huge wave?

forgive me for the lack of compassion, but how many would really remember the devestation of the tsunamis. today you watch the news. tomorrow you hear countries send their condolences, medical aid, and money, the third day, people in school are collecting money for the aid of it...the fourth day...you almost forget about it except for the updates...fifth day. everybody goes back to life, leaving behind the lives of the lifeless. HOw many of you out there really can make a difference? Lucky enough, years later you think about it at the mention..but after that, what?

just this morning, dad got myrn to clear out the aquarium, his sorta plaything five years ago, until all the plants grew mossy and fish just depleted.... so, the fish tank was cleared out, the remaining 9 fishes, [give or take] a few, were left in the pail. OH, how vulnerable the fishes were..soon maybe half their number died of lack of oxygen.
soon...dad was done with his breakfast, the papers and the toilet, he went over to take a look at the fishes and said ," Aiyah...four died..Myrna...take them out later/"
with that, the fishes were dismissed from their owner of their whole life!
the different prices of life!
if you died tomorrow, how many would exclaim! Surely more then the patheric one of the four fishes.
be thankful!

2004-12-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

killed a snail today..unintentionally of course! i still feel uncomfortable at the thought. like how so easily with a careless step i can end someones live.

today me and my brother were walking from the station to the house. and he was having a steam bun..and lo behold..a drizzle started, then he remarked in [mock] exclamation,
' oh no..my bun is getting wet!'
so i said. since i was also getting wet, ' is that all you can think of?'
' my other five buns are also getting wet!!' in mock dismay.
!!!!! he just loves to act like this..yeah, he likes to imitate characters from the nickelodeon channel, and even though i know he is just saying to have fun, i still laugh hard. brothers are diffcult things.

2004-12-25T23:50:00.000+08:00

did you find christmas tonight?
what IS christmas?
sometimes i really dont think i can gauge what is fun and what i like doing anymore.
when that happens..what are you searching for..before this i was searching for fun, but now im not that sure.
what are you looking for today?

2004-12-25T01:12:00.000+08:00

its christmas! although i should know the story behind it by now, but i dont. but a day for giving and celebrating live and loving cant be any bad.
so merry christmas to anyone who reads this!!!
grant yourself a wish this year..lets not wait for santas to plop down from the sky!!
lets grant our own wishes this year!!!
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1!
psst. you have a whole year to grant that!! meet you on next years christmas!!

2004-12-24T11:18:00.000+08:00

if you were a tube of paint.
what color would you be?

2004-12-20T22:55:00.000+08:00

today today today.
was a humbling experience
in several different occasions, with different fellow beings, we were calling each other pots while we ourselves were kettles.
yea!
hey cockatoo. bah to you.

2004-12-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

hola
in melaka now. tummy ache. bumpy car rides. and. BAD MOOD
been feeling just ickish. i don't know.
arrh.
arrh. lets just go away.

2004-12-12T13:14:00.000+08:00

my skin feels like a toad's skin. the terrible rashes have decided to set base camp on my thigh. everytime i try to evict them by scratching, they grow angrier and redder.

2004-12-10T13:31:00.000+08:00

i don't actually think that the lit project re. ww1 will matter much, but still, id rather do it then any of the other homework. i was skimming down a list of names. of recruits in ww1, i have no idea why. but i was just reading. then i began looking at their ages and this names which have no matching faces in my mind, a lot were lie 21, 18, 19. and for some reason these numbers made me so sad...altho i know so many others are dying at the same time i am typing this, in this same world now. these people half a century ago who lived but gave their lives to thoughtless war, were killed like flies and now represent nothing more then numbers in dusty history books that students hate. and they could have been so much more.

2004-12-09T15:27:00.000+08:00

am i starting to panic? havent done homework. gonna be away for one week next week..hahaa.
[check]
no.
oh no. and thats bad.
there are these msn windows poppin in and out askin me about hoework. bla bla bla..but i am absolutely wasting my time away. slept for so long just now. just felt like sleeping like all the other days. well maybe i wont sleep tonight just do some crap a maths. lit sounds kinda fun too. right, but before i do those, ive to re-allow my table a glimpse of light, it is currently hibernating under all the piles of mags. and i bet the ants are attacking it too. ants always attack idle AND messy tables. aka my table.

2004-12-08T15:19:00.000+08:00

for the first time in my life. i actually believe what they say about how running makes you feel awake and alive in the morning. altho i didnt run much today. in fact, it was so little. i think hardly even 1 km . yuck. gotta get back in shape!!!
and also. i believe adeline is mad. we just ran in the morning.
and at twelve noon: "mabe if we have time this evening go run?"
adeline should marry a new shadow. then she will always have companions who run with her and at the same PACE. also, then she cant run too early or else the shadow cant accompany her.
that is perfectly logical. no?
i preferr to have more intimate memories about prata this mornin. yum yum. fantastic cept that they were a lil out of shape........
tummy is growlin again. again. again.

2004-12-07T11:10:00.000+08:00

yesterday we when we were at west coast we saw this funny boy. well not exactly funny, more like queer.
we met him while we were walking around, cus there was nothing else to do obviously. cus west coast has no. NO! beach for us to play at obviously. cus we being very silly decided to go to west coast where the coast is something like [see on touch] obviously. so point that i was trying to make is: stay away from west coast at all costs unless you like to walk around aimlessly.

so. where was i? the boy. yeah. he was riding his bike with a bottle of orange lookin color drink..then he started to hang out with us at the mega triangle structure thing. he was like [jie jie] [gor gor] in a bid to make himself more endearing? but he wasnt that cute lar. how cute can a twelve year old boi be. then he followed us backed to the shelter where all the money and food was kept lar.
then he began/
' can gimme 2 dollars' him
'err. noo...why do you want two dollars for?' us
'to eat chicken rice.' him
' why dont you go home to eat.'us
**apparently doesnt want to answer us**
'what time do you go home' us
' very late. i need to exercise' him HUH?!?! thats SOME logic there eh?
'why you come out nv bring MONEY!' us
'can gimme two dollars?' him
'we're got gunna give you money but if you are hungry. theres bread and tuna'us
** he proceeded to open a can of tunas reluctantly..**
later, we asked him he felt awkward asking for money, or if he did this everyday.
apparently, he did this everyday., so quite obviously he didnt feel awkward, which he also agreed.
and also. according to him most ppl just gave him the money, cept for us. well guess we were just one of his unlucky days.
seriously i might have given him the money if i was alone. see. soft hearted, cuz its not as if i cant go two bucks less. even if he was a little boy cheating for money, i seriously didnt think it was much harm.
but the thing that irks me most was that he threw the bread crust into the plants. bleah asked him to picked it up but he refused/ this sounds like singapore's own version of street kids eh?
hungry but bread crusts can go?

2004-12-07T11:03:00.000+08:00

i want i want i want i want to go to my primary school clazz chalet!!
but. oh. so -unholy friggin shit. dad arranged a trip to KL to visit family = cant miss, otherwise interpreted as placing family on second priority. so shit.
family trip + class chalet = no way out!!
yuck yuck yuck. can anybody teach me how to get out of this.........
I WANNA GO!!!!

2004-12-06T08:56:00.000+08:00

its early.
early to be up i mean.
for the holidays at least,.
its nine!!
going out with 201. erm actually. im not even sure how much of 201. but i promised ass, yeah. so i have to be there. even if i think its gunna be funny. quiet. awkward. but what the heck. a day at the beach is a day at the beach. yay.

2004-12-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

bleh.
"i preferr cats when they are not alive."
whats your first impression. that the person likes dead cats?
well, actually not, she actually likes stuffed cats. ie stuffed toys.
haha. my god sis is just so funny.
a lot of times i guess not right doesnt mean wrong.
it just means not right.
not right = wrong. NOT.

had a nice sunday afternoon at ngee ann and ck tangs. result: increase in total liquid assets i own by 120 buckaroos= new pumas and seed jacket!!yay. jacket was a christmas present. shoes..haha. had a half treat by my mum. super!

dogs are cute. fun to play with. but just dont tell me to look after them. wash them. feed them. walk them. i lack the patience. to all dog-lovers out there..haha..never trust me with a dog, or any animal whatsoever. im just too lazy.

bla bla bla bla leg alignment. bla bla bla.
i just hate it when she is right. and shes right a lot of times regarding some stuff. seriously stress SOME. but ive learnt not to argue with her rightness unless i want to spoil my day. cause afterall she IS the mistress of the house. but other times, i just cant help it and reveal my growing irritation. then i regret it cause then ill never hear the end of it. like today. she was going on and on abit. then i couldnt stand it. CUS i wanna be better then her at it. but she is good. so oh well. nevermind. i shall have to practice and learn patience.one day..one day..muahaha

my dad is so funny sometimes.

2004-12-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

today. today. arr. revealed me!
revealed to me that i am on the down end of the word fit! its like i was standing in front of the mirror before. but i covered it with black satin, so i wouldnt realise! cuz if i realised then i have to exercise more. which i probably wouldnt. so boo!
today, mr clorox took us running . he said short distace. which confirmed the growing suspicion that he was going to near-murder us. obviously he likes us to believe that he is mr ultra super fit man instead of clorox. but he is really fit. sigh/
we ran 5 km
FRIGGIN five km. ok, thats not a lot too those marathoners. but imagine from the school to lim chu kang. farmart. sungei tengah. yeah. you get the idea. and i couldnt complete the blardy distance...so sick! arh. so mentally soft. i must make it someday.
I WILL MAKE IT!!!

2004-12-02T20:31:00.000+08:00

awful awful sore throat. i think sore throats are nocturnal.
and i also think i absolutely wasted two hours at physics.
but will go tomorrow anyway, since tomorrow is np room clean-up. = escape for two hours
zhiying says:
update your blog
why update..it makes blogging sound like..like its my public diary [which totally means zilch since they cancel each other out] like its a friggin journal which allows the world to keep tabs on me, or rather to let the world know im living. oh well. we live for others.
every every every single day we are being judged.

judgement day (1) version 1:
It is going to happen: the sea will rise in flood over the world, life will be over for every single person. Anyone who wants to can often ponder this truth in his own mind.

wonder why it is termed judgement day?
anyone explain?

2004-11-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

i need to think.
breathe!
ok, that was kinda exaggeration.
okay. lets see what mr. ljs wants done. oh . have i introduced him..NO!! actually he needs no introduction. a wordless testimonial is a better introduction..well..
clap! everybody clap!!
the all new clorox has conquered and it intends to blot and bleach out all the bad dirt and inefficiency...it shakes..ooh. its shaking..the instructions on the label are long and tedious. they challenge you to read till the end. oh. dont't forget thr warning label..always read the small print!
hmph. is the new clorox new and improved or just new and repackaged!! i cant wait to mind out, really, even if clorox is gonna hurt my hands . i really hope clorox works well with stinky loos.
did i mention? he's the teacher.

Plan out detailed training program!
GET others together for discussion on how to rip open the clorox packaging and expose it!!,
Read drill commands. beware clorox quality control check on thursday and friday!

LAdidaH..

2004-11-28T22:55:00.000+08:00

today. today. today is the second day since dj came back.YAY!! haha, so happy, someone to talk to! and she bought loads of cool presents, yeah again like early santa. i got really cool post cards. and two tees of which one makes my look like a diver cus its tight. left it with my other new clothing, not really sure why i dun wanna have them washed and hung.
anyway!
tomorrow! i shall stop behaving like a pig in hibernation, which is worse then just being a pig in normal season. do pigs go into hibernation?
i shall stop eating then napping then snacking. then napping and eating again.
i shall stop watching reruns of drama serials( yes!!not even new ones, re runs! = more couching around)
instead,
i shall be inspired to do my homework and get a move on.
i shall take walks around singapore
i shall go kayaking. YAY!!( faintly i recall vowing not to kayak after treacherous obs)
i shall buy shall new color pencils
i shall be AM inspired by the new toothbrush.
lalalallalallala
i am much happier. two days ago, i was trying to ignore the calendar on the wall glaring at me
oh well.

2004-10-30T20:53:00.000+08:00

WHeEeee !!
im off to china..now getting the pre-plane jitters...arhahha
woohoo...haf a nice week to anyone who reads this just cuz i will!!
lalala

2004-10-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

in a really bad stinking rotten tomato mood.
feel so disillusioned and well just sick. HURRY UP .do something..this feels rotten. it does. im dreading doing anything or looking in the mirror..or anything to do with my life today, feel so pathetic today.
well i shall quit feeling so low, its really ok, and im worrying for nothing again. it will iron out. it will
yeah. why do i think life is like a fitting room...hmm say we look for friends and pretend you are shopping for friends...some stuff look real good but when you try to use them ..it breaks real easily..and somethings just turn you off with its outer appearence[sad but true] and well some other stuff just simply dun go well and just nono..thats liek real life. everybody tries to fit it. well most if id to take a chance..but its difficult..to find something that you feel good in . something that just makes you fall in love with and wearing it just makes you feel !super! how many can actually reach a period where they step out of the fitting room and say they are done and happy?maybe many spend their whole life trying to find a fit/

2004-10-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

life is like a fitting room sometimes

2004-10-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

sharks...i really should do something about banning my hibernative/couch potatoe lifestyle after the exams...im feelin so lazy tired...arhh..cant shake off this ghost of a body , like something hanging over me..eeks
today we stayed back to wait for nas and fad to finish briefing..hah. then we sorta had a mine audition and listened to them sing...which was pretty cool...i never imagined that they could sing like that!!! major major discovery...it was fun listening to them sing cuz yeah, some of them really had this showmanship in them..nadia and fadiah have great voices..saluting them man...even if you give me a milllion bucks...i wouldnt go up on stage to sing in front of the school solo. well mabe . then i'd take the money and emigrate somewhere..haha...cant sing for the life of me!!hah. oh well...its nice to listen..
do you believe? that god is fair to all...well they always say life is never fair and yeah...on the superficial level maybe..for now, for the moment..but maybe , maybe..its fair say if you aint able to sing..then you can dance..or err...have this great wit...if you aint born with a silver spoon in ur mouth..well maybe it forms motivation to be ambitious...well i think so...so whatever it is...you get your fairshare...and everything would turn out just fine. right..
if we were angels..
but it wouldnt be that bad, if you followed your gut thru.
am i contradicting myself?
i think im influence by dan brown over this mad cult culture of duality and symmetry of the illumati..oh no..
did i mention..i sat in the yew tee food court for three hours yeterday to finish the book..and oh, the stares of all this other sec school people are SO easy to read...haha. must have thought i was half mad to sit there reading for three hours after exams..but hey..i enjoyed..so there:P

2004-10-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

silly silly silly
i cant communicate with computers...somehow someway...it refuses to talk to me..now you would think it is silly to try to talk to computers...but....if you have been driven up the wall like me...totall frustration calls for admittance to an asylum.

2004-08-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

sometimes simple but yet look further and you cant draw a line

2004-08-13T22:28:00.000+08:00

arrhh..
finally i am in a mood for a blog.
today im in a right fine mood....juat a mood of comtemplation of what i have been doing and things happening around me...and to my surprise (!!!) i don't care very much.
no, not about schoolwork and academic part [a lot] of my life...
but i dun really care about people around me in school.
ok. not really all. but i think im a lazy friend if too be called one at all.
sometimes, i just like things s i m p l e
thinking too much just muddles life up..the more you think the more circles you run into. and the worse things seem when actually everything could have been very simple.
sometimes i really care.
sometimes, when it seems like there is no end. or maybe its not a problem in the first place, thats why there is no end. yeah, as i was saying. when things seem like there is no end..i just simply get tired of it when i see no completion or endpoint. it just seems pointless to me because i dont seem to see r make any difference. so. actually i stop caring. and when you stop caring. it just shows. and why the hell not. i really don't.
there is a sick tire and resignation and at the same time a smile interweaves in between, hah. can i actually be happy that i don't care? hmm...i guess that is the bare truth....it doesnt really matter...
i guess.
lalalalala.

2004-07-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

hmmm...wednesday, not bad a day actually today...
did pretty much the normal things..then went to buy socks..cuz i keep getting paranoid about osgodby in the morning when i walk into the school...so what the heck...anyway new socks are nice...dont slip down so much anymore..
yuck...haha...this sounds like a bloody journal..thats what uneventful days sound like...well, sometimes its good to just have uneventful days and go with the flow...oh yeah...i am pleased with myself today about the Hitler poster idea...although it is a bit crap..but hey...maybe next time i can work in the advertising industry!! fun!! but do i need art for that??
nothing much to say today...same old same old..
blessings to whoever reads this

cheers

2004-07-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

sometimes its difficult to differentiate between the fake and genuine
sometimes its difficult to divide dreams and reality
sometimes its difficult to trust whether im feeling and getting the right hints or am i just living in my own world.
most times actually, for me that is.
i doubt if i have ever really understood myself, or the people whom revolve my life, everyday i find out new things that i have never ever seen before, and most times i dont know how to react.
i don't like silences, awkward silences...somehow i need chatter to fill up the empty spaces..but sometimes i justcant seem to fill in the empty blanks and i feel this unmeasurable distance between me and my friends sometimes. saddening.....then again, this is where i begin to suspect if i ever was a friend, becos if so, how come i cannot feel anithing? its like numbness or blindness where i live in my own little world oblivious to the entire world where i paly a small character:P

2004-07-10T23:26:00.000+08:00

today was a hectic day at np again
sigh..i just realised my life is rather pathetic...it sorta revolves around only school, np and my family.
not that im leading an unsatisfatory life...just that it make me feel lousy sometimes...heere i am..with so many things going for me, but yet im not doing much, so sad, ive completely wasted what god gave me.
its not that im planning to be oh so great or anything...but at least can i do something intersting and worthwhile for once> i hate it out i entrap myself and am too lazy to do anything out of the government planned education.
im so disgusted with myself
sometimes i am useless....
sighs...i am currently consoling myself that some day, some day will come
but what if it doesnt.
sigh, what if again
poof
suddenly it strikes me, a life revolving around simple and ordinary things can still always be spectacular....that perhaps is called enjoyin the simple things in life. but will i be contented?
but hah, i am no courageous girl in a story book waiting to astound the readers with my depth of character, my selfless courage or anything. im just a normal, normal, mediocre gal.in everyday life.storybooks leave threatening traces in your mind.

2004-07-09T00:25:00.000+08:00

yoohoo...
suddenly, i am filled with new found energy!!
Recharged from answering an email from sis, and it the whole process itself, i think, rather, boring her with all the details with my oh-so-fun parade. yes. parade.

i think i shall not go into detail how the training made me feel a total mix of emotions.
like
1. paranoia--come on, they were screaming at your ears, you get punished for not being able to meet standards that they set. They scream incoherent things which really don't matter what, the only message they were trying to get through is WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU DO WHAT IS REQUIRED???
i myself am stumped. becuz i gave my best, i really, sincerely did.
then, their gaze, akin to those like a watch dog, silent, swift, sharp and menacing sweeping from person to person. ready to POUNCE! on anyone with a mistake. Does this sound mysteriously like way back in Germany when a certain gentleman by the genteel name of Hitler made the the people cry out in ECHOS... no, its not that bad. a lot of seasoning added in this account.

2. Humiliation
at getting scolded for such reasons in the school where people are still walking around. i felt like a blardy slave enslaved to this hell party.

3. Anger
Who the HECK are they to scream at us?! what, for being two blardy years older than us, its not our fault, neither yours. we need more time, when none is available. sigh.

4.i cant think of a word when you want to give up and throw the towel in
no matter how many times we do the basic drills, just cant seem to get the hang of it. the thought of any future parades, with the same atmoshpere and air....suffocates me

i shall not go into the details?!?!
oh well. just mad ranting.

2004-07-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

hehe,11.32, and i am not really, actually doing any kinda stuff that i can pass of as homework. well, so be it. okae, three days later. not too bad, not so much affecting me, maybe when all the studying i have to do, and the stress stacks up almost as high as my books. actually, they dont stack up. rather, they just lye around, so lazily that i cant bear the bothers to touch them. where was i? yeah, mabe when the stress comes into play, i'll feel the abscence of my dear consoler more. but for now, i am pretty busy with np. np. no point. i secretly think that it is a wonderful short form, and really, sometimes i see no aim in doing what i am doing, this long drudgery. it wouldnt have been so dull if i had been able complete something on our list. well, not much. Why? my incapibility, inefficiency, and not to mention my unwilling heart.

its not that i hate doing work. i lurve working with my hands and seeing something beautiful come out of my work. the pride i feel. but simply, we don't always complete what we start, or rather, we always dont complete what we start. and fun turns into drudgery for me, even amidst the laughter. i hate it when i start something and just stop halfway, because i am unsure of what i am doing, or maybe it is plain ugly. Maybe, i am plain stubbon. Arrrh. Should one pride efficiency over courtesy. not that is has anything to do with,[well, a tad] but yes, which?
i am tempted to say efficiency, but yet i know that is not true for i could not live in a world without care and love. if it were a spectrum, my pointer would lie somewhere between six and seven for efficiency. well, for us, its not really courtesy or anything..its the mood of joke and play that disruppts stuff. But yet, i know without the laughter, it would be even worse. well, what can i say? You cant have the best of both worlds!!!
teehee, till then, maybe this nagging irritation would have down-sized to somthing negligible.

2004-07-06T15:57:00.000+08:00

haha, was just saw this test on the some site. quite accurate, i think?

Extroverted (E) 60.71% Introverted (I) 39.29%
Realistic (S) 67.65% Imaginative (N) 32.35%
Intellectual (T) 52.94% Emotional (F) 47.06%
Organized (J) 57.14% Easygoing (P) 42.86%

Your type is: ESTJ

You are an Administrator, possible professions include - government employee, pharmaceutical sales, auditor, computer analyst, technical trainer, project manager, officer manager, factory supervisor, credit analyst, electrical engineer, stockbroker, regulatory compliance officer, chief information officer, construction worker, general contractor, paralegal, industrial engineer, budget analyst, data base manager, funeral director, cook, security guard, dentist.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-07-05T10:19:00.000+08:00

yesterday, me, dad, and bro watched a movie.
it was about this man with two sons, one steady elder son who was sensible and cautious, doing things in the tried and tested way. the younger son, was an imaginative person with a thirst for quick results, beer and gambling. Nevertheless, he was charming and good at heart. in the end, predictably, the younger son, Paul died, he live a live that was short, artistic but short neverthelessly. Paul was well-known for being fun and gregarious, while the older was serious and stable. i liked it a lot because of the clear narration, well, literally, Norman narrated the whole story, in a quiet and matter of fact sense. it was really enjoyable, though paul did die.

yesterday, also, while watching the movie, our front door was wide open, and it subconciously made me think that we were waiting for dj to come home from her late going out to meeting with friends. then, in a jolt, i realised that she was not coming back for the night. or today night, or tomrrow night. Not for any nights until five months later. haizz...
okae, wherever part of melblourne youare in..Goodnight dj!!!
oh yeah, the movie said:
Even if you don't understand someone completely, you can still love them
is that true? i think so.

2004-07-04T11:25:00.000+08:00

me and sis!!!

2004-07-04T10:58:00.000+08:00

im not supposed to be crying, i dont suppose i'll be unless i really want to. i really want to. i dont know why, just that its gonna be so different without her sometimes moaning about how mirrors are no good cuz she doesnt look good...and how which pasta is good , where. and how to be my personal street directory to any nice places.
Our room is gonna be so messy, and empty, but nevermind, i will live with it, three years is a short time. short. just thinking that she'll not be coming back in like three days or two weeks makes me bothered cuz subconsiously im thinking like she'll hate it there and fly back. but of course she wont. and i dont want her to either. have fun sis...

2004-07-03T00:54:00.001+08:00

is it true that if you really love someone enough, they stay alive in your heart? if that is true, then i certainly hope i love my sister enough. although it is not as if i'll nv see her again, its still different. dont ask how. it just is.

2004-07-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

courtesy of gettyimages.com... just wad im feeling right now. blue. running away.memories, or rather the non memories...

2004-07-02T23:56:00.000+08:00

i dont really know what i should be feeling right now. or doing right now. you see, july fouth and the plane is just a matter of less then 48 hours away, and i have no idea why im not doing something special.like talking to my sister.like rying to capture moments and put them into my heart forever. is that why humans are so fond of taking pictures? me included. i think so, but can the picture really capture the moment? do we really believe that a picture can capture the colours of the moment and the spirit of the night. i don't think so. maybe they are a mere consolation to the passing of the moment. to tell ourselves that ive really tried to capture the moment, and it will be possible to revisti it down in hazy memory lane with pieces of paper no more part of the moment then snails are.
Pictures, photographs i mean, are fun to look at, you examine every bit of yourself and scrutinize the suspicious fat bit of flesh around the tum area, and you laugh at whatever you remember of the night or moment. but it never really the same. of course it would be foolish to imagine i could, i dont think it can be done.

how am i suppose to contain all of my memories of my sister in 15 years, (techinically speaking abt 12 years)in my teeny heart. im trying to recall all of the past memories, but it does no good, no good at all cuz i cant remember a single thing. even trying to capture the moment now , its difficult. Or maybe, im just not trying hard enough. Or mabe, i just dont want too. i just love living in my humongous[ is that how you spell it?] sand castle, that things wont change, and three years later everything will still be the same, just as jolly and dandy. but again, that is not going to happen is it? if only i could freeze time/.

i have just realised i don't like change. At least not when the going is good. i am not a rish taker, someone who jumps before just for the exhileration. i don't like taking a risk in believing in a better future and letting go off what goodness i am enjoying now. i simply don't dare.just what if, what if, what if? since young i have always been a what if child, always thinking of the end before the deed is done. but again, we dont have a choice, do we?
they say life is a game of choice, how true i am sure. mostly anyway. but there are still a lot of things not to be decided by us playing the game of sims as mortals in our life.Are we?

2004-06-30T00:13:00.000+08:00

yoohoo..
just finished my literature stuff.god, it was a drag, i couldnt concentrate the whole night. actually. actually, i am supposed to be reading an entire book about rainbows in deserts, however, due to the fact that i am crossly out of time, it would be a total waste of effort trying to read any of it, i might as well not read. agree?
agreed.
hehex, i think i am becoming sadistic, i actually am begining to enjoy staying up to complete all the crap a math, the satisfactio.aaa..
just now the us handing iraq back to the hands of their own government was on the news...and they showed all those extremists taking hostages, and posing with their god-noes-wad banner and the guns. at that instant, it striked me as extremely comical and funny posing for shots like dat, then, i realized while i am sitting there grinning at the thought, there might be someone sitting on the opposite side of the camera trembling and thinking of how the end of his life is tittering so precariously near. if, just if, though i cant think of any reason i would be in that position, i cant imagine what would be running through my head, probably of the pain, if all the times i never really lived. Ok, maybe i would be half too scared oout of the shit that i wouldnt be able to actually think..

2004-06-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

my brother insists that i have to take the picture of his butt off..well, nevermind, im sure you wont miss it, well, its rather cute just that he doesnt find it in the least bit funny. in fact, he is jabbing me in the neck with some screwdriver and making and awesome noise..awesome noise indeed,,,and he thinks he knows the password..well...buddha bless him if he tries touching the computer:Ptee hee...

2004-06-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

beloved sis lookin' good in hongkie!!!

2004-06-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

*grinz* ugly me, pimples, gums and all

2004-06-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

today.not.such.a.bad.day.relatively.good.one.in.fact.
eeesh.i cant believe there is only one sodding,pathetic day left to the schools reopening. yuck.and, what i cant believe even more, there are only 8 sodding and even more pathetic days left till dj boards a plane and leaves for melbourne.and, i am damn afraid. and sad, and i have no idea what to get for her. really, i wanna do something really nice, but recently, nice thing have not been aniwhere near me, so now, i am completely clueless. arrrrrrh

2004-06-25T12:52:00.000+08:00

i have some weird problems with this crappy blog
i cant find all my past entries...aniwhere on the blog..not that i know really how to find them
i have desperately trid clicking on all buttons to no avail
this is real shit
i am in no mood to blog...i just want to find the missing entries.arr

2004-06-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

today was a great day.
pretty much.
today for one is my brother's birthday!!haha, finally no more buggering about presents for the rest of the year..ok, not really, happy bdae to you lil bro..
aniwae, to celebrate his grand eleventh year of existence, we went to crystal jade fer lunch!!! did mention that the xiao long baos there are very nice. and did i again mention that brother of mine managed to get angry at me two times in the time we journeyed from our house to jurong point..tsk tsk.
rite, where was i!!
and we had a oh so fabulous lunch, followed be andersons ice cream, which was also pretty good minus the fact that i wasnt really in the mood for icecream. but still in the total spirit of kiasuism and greediness. Followed by which a very pitiful vanessa was dragged to tuition for a grand total of 1 hour and 45 minutes. so, me, marmie and dj were left roaming, during which i suspect, suspect that a hole was drilled into my head to empty all useful memories away, because, i forgot totally the agony of new haircuts and decided that i wanted to cut my hair.
so, now, my hair, is way shorter, and looks awful.
i still cant believe i decided to do wad i hardly had time to decide.
ok, then, we went for kite flying!!! its a totally perfect kinda tv family moment and outing, in fact it is every little bit. Minus the fact i cant fly a kite, but it was fun just being in the park!! Family, god family, and me!!
then it was kampong chicken for dinner,,,yummy chinese fair i must say, and a pretty hilarious dinner, wad with all exclamations by zhan tze and horrible faces by vanessa...
i lurve today
so totally
i forgot about the haircut again

2004-06-23T08:28:00.000+08:00

hehes
its 839 on a wednesday morning and i am sitting in front of the computer..
eeks..what am i doing, not sleeping..tsk tsk what a waste of the holidays.
yes, finally ive been scared the shit out by the pile up of holiday assignments and am finally trying to do something about it.Hey, dun laugh, its not too late.
Haish, what a waste of the holidays ive made
i still cant believe ive spent my holidays, two weeks consecutively on np, <> seriously, no offence to all np lovers, its not that i dont appreciate my cca, but still, wad a complete waste of useful hours in those boring lectures when i come out with less in my brain then i entered with. tsk. seriously.
oh, and did i mention what a doofus i was> i actually wwent to make a ic with the wrong WRONG birth cert!!!Phreakingly annoying especially considering the ica building is all the way and 45 minute journey to lavender.ARRGH
could have strangled myself
actually no, i just felt like tearing up the papers....so another wasted day to that...

2004-06-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

hahahh
today was not really a good day
actually its a very sickening day, but just sitting here writing something makes it just feel better
i dont know why
ok
i do
aniwae
today i was SUPPOSED to go and register for my ic, but, BUT, i brought the wrong birth certificate!!imagine how maddening that is!!my god, i nearly screamed in anger, i wanted to crumple all the documents but, but, being the mostly rational me, of course i wouldnt. why would i ever allow myyself to do that?
Dj saied it was cus i wanted to be her too much...muahaha, i dont really think that bit is true, but it just set me off thinking..do i really want to be her and go to melbourn to study? Not at this point in time i guess but i just envy her cuz finally theres some adventure!!! yeap. what an adventure, shes actually going to melbourn to study!!!on july the third, for three years. this will be the first time in my life i would be journeying for a long journey(ok not that long) without my sister!!!yikes. a weird taste of curiosity and deep foreboding is swilling around in my tum. Really i dont know how ill turn out.
ish
how did her going to melb become all about me.?>>
man
im gonna miss her

2004-06-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

whoa
just realise that i havent been in for a long long long time
hehe, ok, the computer has been really cranky lately, and yeah, dad needs to sleep early. so , and, i haven treally been feelin like writing, mainly cuz my life has been like a straight line graph recently...haha
but, today i had a very memorable day
that i want to remember. so, here goes
today, daddy did a very nice thing for us
he actually took a whole day's leave and brought us out, he didnt even plae golf or anithing
and he even looked very relaxed the whole day, not in the least bit impatient or anithing........wowee...and, we went to breeks for lunch, nice!
later, we actually wanted to watch a movie!!! but me didnt see one that we actually wanted to watch, so we headed down to challenger, where we sopent quite a lot of time, which i didnt in the least bit mind, although there was nothing in particular that i was looking for wanted to buy.but i was just happy to spend my time there..

2004-06-05T21:37:00.000+08:00

haha
guess wad, its my birthday today.....15 times 365 years ago, i was just born...haha, somehoe i dont really understand why birthdays matter so much, it just does, shouldnt it be every single day or minute that we should be appreciating our own existence if we were even to?? hehex, nvm, lets not think too much, just have fun

Birthday this year has been a leetle bit stressful..hhehe, cuz something wrong happened on the 3rd of june: my handphone got stolen, surprisingly, although i know i shouldnt, but two days later, ive already gotten over it, somehow i was more wary of my parents reactions than the actual lost. Why? Later im gonna get the full blast from my father cuz hes coming home today from China....i totally don't wad to sae later, nothing i guess, just that i was stupid...haish, thinking about it already makes my heart heavy...this has to happen near my birthday..

Aniwae, about the day itself. haha, today we did stupid but fun things, aniwae i like...
haha, we go to causeway point and plae catching..note really actualli, ish the slower version, dun need to catch de, so...we split into two groups, then we walk in the opposite direction, see if the other group can find us in 20 minutes..haha...in the end the other grp( glad, yiling, evon) couldnt find us( me, ade, guidan, xiuyi) but hahal.....we found them..
than...we went to take a very troublesome neoprint.........